Ah yes, Valentine’s Day.
It’s no secret that there isn’t just ONE day to celebrate Love. If we lived for one day of Love out of a whole year of days, chances are we’d all shrivel up, our hearts reduced to puny raisins in our chests. Love has the power to turn an ordinary day in the direction of extraordinary, a blue day into one of sunshine (even if it’s cloudy out). In fact, it has the strength to fuel a lifetime of days, and the infinite power to expand all of our horizons and hearts…if we let it.
Maybe this is just me (though I’m pretty sure it isn’t), but I find there are 3 small-yet-scary phrases that sometimes require near-Herculean effort to say:
I love you.
Further to the point, they may fall out of our mouths effortlessly with some, and with others, they may stay in the holding bay of our hearts as yet another feeling left unexpressed.
Saying you’re sorry means you have to admit you were wrong, made a mistake, or maybe said (or did) something you didn’t mean that caused hurt.
Saying Thank You means you fully accept someone else’s generosity of spirit or otherwise… (It’s easier to say thank you when a stranger holds open a door for me than when my mother-in-law decides to drop a bunch of groceries on our doorstep.)
And then there’s one of our faves… I Love You.
Three words with a myriad of different meanings depending on who you are and what life experience has shown you so far. I will fully admit that ‘I love you’ falls out more easily with my closest girlfriends than it does with my dear parents. (I love you guys more than I could ever say, by the way.)
Think of a time where you were just falling in love with someone. I bet you reached that semi-awkward point where, every time you parted ways, with wistful gazes, hearts pounding and violins cinematically underscoring the whole scene (naturally), the only words you felt expressed the beautiful butterfly-storm inside were “I love you”…
But you didn’t say them. It was too risky. It might ruin things. It might scare the person off. There was a time in the beginning of my relationship with my now-husband where that awkward silence, and the fear of risking saying ‘I love you’ too soon (is 1.5-weeks in too quick??), was filled with the next best thing I could think of:
“You’re my favourite.”
Cute, but did it REALLY mean what I meant?!
No, I guess not.
I have a lot of ‘Favourites’… things that I really love a whole lot, like Pho, Yoga, dark chocolate with sea salt… hugs, babies, peanut butter on a spoon, Downton Abbey, pancakes (ok, pretty much ALL food), the mountains, wearing Pjs as much as possible, and John Mayer (yes, despite his shortcomings, he is still one of my favourites)…
I think Mary Beth Bonacci said it best:
“What am I saying when I say I love pizza? Am I saying that I care deeply about pizza? Am I saying that I have a relationship with pizza? Am I saying that if pizza had a problem, I would be there for the pizza? (What? Not enough pepperoni? I’ll be right there!) Of course not. When I say I love pizza, I’m just saying that I enjoy eating pizza until I don’t want any more pizza.”
Yup, ‘You’re my favourite’ had a quickly-approaching expiry date, because what was hiding behind it wasn’t the ‘Pizza’ kind of Love. It was Big Love, the kind of love that I knew I would always want more of, even when I was full.
Naturally, it was terrifying. Sometimes, it still is. Knowing that it’s about ‘forever’ can feel like both the biggest safety net and one of the biggest assignments you’ve ever given yourself. Being your ever-changing, ever-growing, imperfectly perfect messy self and trusting that another person will love and accept you for all of it…that’s kinda scary shit.
I’m sure you’ve heard that much of the gold in our lives lies on the other side of Fear. I guess what I’m trying to say is that what exists on the other side of these ‘terrifying’ phrases is Love — a depth of Love we often yearn to experience, but that is held back by our own self-created fears of surrendering to what that might mean for us, and how it might change the status quo. A kind of love that requires us to put our own BS to the side or just wade through it, throw away our pride, put our ego in the kennel for a while and eat a heaping slice of vulnerability pie…together. It means that we admit that we were wrong, or sorry, or confused. It means acknowledging that we are human. It means taking out the filter that keeps us from experiencing wholeness and letting it ALL in.
So if you’re a cynic who thinks Valentine’s Day is yet another commercial holiday to make people who don’t have a ‘special someone’ in their life feel like they should hole up in their apartment and eat take-out alone, try this on for size. If we’re all living in the same world, I’m pretty sure each 24-hour day gifts us with at least one opportunity to use one of those ‘scary’ phrases, right?
Maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t just about the chocolate (though we do love the chocolate). Maybe it’s a good excuse to use [insert most-feared phrase here] and see a beautiful unravelling of one, love-filled day that reminds you why Love isn’t just something you have for a spouse, or a friend, or your pet gerbil, or how Love isn’t always what you get from somebody else. It comes from inside.
One taste of that and you may just find yourself reaching for more.